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What We Hope They Find At The Center Of The Pyramid Of The Sun

Archaeologists in Mexico have drilled into the center of the Pyramid of the Sun in Teotihuacan and found some goodies. By goodies we mean three green serpent masks, 7 dead dudes, dead babies, weapons, pots, and the skeleton of an eagle that was fed nothing but rabbits. All of this is completely and totally awesome. If you’ve never seen these pyramids outside of Mexico City, you should. The pyramids were built 2500 years ago by the Teotihuacan Indians…they think. Truth is, no one knows. Drilling to the center of the pyramid is part of an effort to understand where, why, who, and when built the things. Here are 5 things we hope they find.

Alien Bones

Yes, the last Indiana Jones movie was terrible. Still, we had heard about possible alien contact with ancient Mesoamerica before. Wouldn’t it be awesome if we discovered that Mexicans were descended for extraterrestrial super beings? Go ahead, build a wall. We’ll just shoot it down with lasers…from our minds!

Hernan Cortes’ Corpse In A Dress

This is something we’d like to see. The butcher conquistador who caused the destruction of the Aztec civilization was one of the grade A jerks of all time. It’d be awesome if the Aztecs had dug up his corpse, taken it to the pyramid of their Teotihuacano antecedents, put him in a dress and makeup, and buried his ass in the pyramid. That way Quetzalcoatl could call him a pansy for all eternity.

The Secret Original Recipe For Tortillas

Tortillas have been eaten in Mesoamerica for thousands of years. Depending on the combination of corn flour, salt, water, milk, pepper, and a bunch of other different ingredients, tortillas can taste completely different. We’re pretty sure that they taste better if made by an abuelita’s wrinkled hands. Something about the pain of experience entering into the tortillas through osmosis.

The Truth About The End Of The World

Supposedly, the world is going to end next year. In a way it’s nice because then we don’t have to pay back our student loans. No one knows. Maybe the answer is in the pyramid. Perhaps Quetzalcoatl will come and bathe the world in flame. Or maybe apes on horseback will put Charleston Heston in a cage. Who knows?

The Elixir Of Eternal Life Drunk By Don Francisco

We’re pretty sure Don Francisco is 600 years old. We can’t prove it, but it’s true. We think he probably came over from Spain in the first expeditions to Mexico and he discovered a secret chamber in the Pyramid of the Sun. There he found the Elixir of Eternal Life that would allow him to live forever. He decided then and there to spend the rest of eternity hosting goofy variety shows for the entertainment of old Latina ladies everywhere.

Via Fox News Latino.




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