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Why You Should Watch The Roast Of Charlie Sheen

by Lucas Molandes

Tonight marks one of the most eagerly awaited roasts in Comedy Central’s history. In the past we have seen verbal haymakers thrown at Flavor Flav, Donald Trump and Larry the Cable Guy. All of those will pale in comparison to the expected Passion of the Christ like flogging we’ll see Charlie Sheen (aka, Carlos Estevez) take this evening. Or you could watch something even more insulting, like the season premier of Two and a Half Men.

While this roast has been anticipated for sometime, many people will not be tuning in because they are tired of the self-proclaimed ‘warlock’. That’s right, there are people out there who believe that not tuning in is somehow a form of protest.

Who are these people? I understand vegans who refuse to eat meat out of principle, but refusing to watch the Charlie Sheen’s roast is like purchasing all of the Dixie Chicks albums and then burning them in protest. If you already have subscribe to a cable provider, you are already contributing to the monster that is American television.

In a country where a media-created celebrity like Casey Anthony gets off scott-free, it only makes sense that the basic cable sacrifice of this walking Hollywood id should be offered up as a reasonable alternative.

We all know the story thus far. Charlie goes to the hospital after ingesting enough cocaine for his body to qualify as a third world country. A few weeks later he appears on the Alex Jones Show and sums up the plot to every Michael Bay movie by saying, “I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air.” A disastrous tour follows. And last week he appeared on Leno to apologize.

Tonight’s roast is an great example of punishment that fits the crime. Charlie was made by television, and tonight he will die by television.

The Roast

Where: Comedy Central
When: 09/19/2011 – 10/9c

The Roasters

Anthony Jeselnik: The thinking man’s Andrew Dice Clay, Anthony Jeselnik was last year’s clear standout. His one-liner style means he hits fast, he hits often, and he hits hard. See the clip below for a sample.

Mike Tyson: It’s true what they say: keep your friends close, but keep your face-tattooed, ear-biting, rapist friends closer. While the pairing of Charlie and Mike seems like a strange mix, in Hollywood, these two are known as the Hepburn and Poitier of bonkers.

Slash: That’s right. Slash from Guns N’ Roses. Apparently when the doctors fixed Sheen’s hernia, they were also able to surgically remove Slash’s career from inside Charlie’s nostrils. This one should be interesting, as there hasn’t been such a wonderful head of hair with less to say since Cousin Itt from the Addams Family.

Lucas Molandes is a stand-up comedian that has made appearances at the prestigious Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham,” and CNN”s “Not Just Another Cable News Show.” 

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