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English Is The Stairway To Heaven

By Lucas Molandes

“And the Lord said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language” – Wikipedia.

There are two kinds of people in this world: legal citizens and undocumented foreigners. You can generally tell the two apart by how well they speak American. The average homegrown, corn fed U.S. citizen speaks American with an eloquence indicative of our thriving public school systems (rated higher than Slovenia!). In contrast, an undocumented person can barely tell you where the bathroom is after you get done screaming at him/her. The nerve of some people. If they really want to live in this country of opportunity, you’d figure they’d take time out of working their 4 to 10 full-time jobs to learn the language of freedom. Hell, E.T. was only here for a little while and he was able to squeeze out a few phrases before the government tried to waterboard him. If that’s not enough to grind your nuts, according to a recent Fox News story, the number of non-English speaking immigrants in the U.S. has slowly increased from 14 million in 1990, to the present day number of nearly 25 million.

Wouldn’t it make sense that in a time of growing weariness towards immigration, those who are coming to this country would do their best to fit in with the prevailing cultural norms as best they could? I know that in my perfect U.S. (Utopian Society), all immigrants entering the country would be fitted with a giant foam finger proclaiming the U.S. as number one, and they would be given a Paula Deen cookbook, a book that is perfect for teaching immigrants how to cook real American food while learning them classic American phrases like, “Bless your heart” and “My left foot is more numb than usual.” Immigrants would also be forced to have to have strong opinions about the Super Bowl. After all, there are only two types of people in the world: those who love real football and those who want to turn this country into a big game of European grab-ass.

Once we get enough immigrants to speak the language, we’d make them build a large structure – a tower if you will – to heaven. You see, it’s not that English is objectively so much better than any other language  (I mean, come on. It gave usHee-Haw and Rush Limbaugh). What’s really going on here (and the reason why so many conservatives believe that foreigners entering the country need to learn the language), is that the last time the entire world spoke the same language, we built a tower to heaven and God appeared. In theory, if we all speak the same language again, God will appear again and we conservatives can ask him to send all the sinners (aka those building the tower to heaven) to hell. Technically, for this to happen we could speak any language. However English is the easiest one to force on other cultures, right missionaries? This might sound crazy, but remember that there are two kinds of people of people in this world: those who are crazy, and those who want to live on the moon.

Lucas Molandes is a stand-up comedian that has made appearances at the prestigious Montreal Just for Laughs Festival, Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham,” and CNN”s “Not Just Another Cable News Show.” 

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