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Fidel Castro’s New Autobiography “Guerrilla Of Time” Released This Week

Everyone’s favorite cantankerous dictator, Fidel Castro, released his two volume memoir “Guerrilla of Time” this week. The 1000 page autobiography covers his life from his childhood until right before his January 1, 1959 victory over Fulgencio Batista. Mind you, that’s just his first 33 years. Perhaps looking back on his life he chooses only to remember the zenith of his accomplishments. Let’s face it, he’s kind of been coasting on his revolutionary triumph for 52 years. Love him or hate him, there is no denying that he is one of the most important figures of the 20th century. We’re not sure when we’re going to get his book over here in the United States, but we look forward to reading it. We hope he finishes writing about the subsequent 50 years as there are a few things we’d like to know:

Beard Grooming Tips

No one has ever had a better beard. Ever. So, we hope he dedicates a chapter or two to proper beard care. Great beards don’t just happen. The key to good looking face foliage is maintenance. What length do you grow the whiskers? What’s the best style for your face? Scissors or trimmer? Did he learn any secret beard lore from his study of beard master Karl Marx? Did he execute people with better beards than himself? This topic deserves it’s own book.

His Love Affair With Hugo Chavez Revealed

It’s time for the lies to stop. Their love was a forbidden one. One was a military man stand-up comedian from Venezuela. The other, the 85 year old dictator of Cuba. But when their eyes met, the whole world saw the fireworks. We’ll finally know the truth about all of those late night flights from Caracas to Havana. We’ll weep when we read about Hugo holding his love’s hand as he came out of surgery five years ago, and Fidel having to live a similar nightmare with Hugo now. It’s like “Brokeback Mountain” in olive drab.

Did Che Guevara Fake His Death?

There have been conspiracy theories going around for years that Che Guevara didn’t really die in Bolivia in 1967. The standard narrative is that he was captured and executed by Bolivian troops while trying to foment a revolution. Recent evidence, invented by me just now, shows that instead of dying Che faked his death in order to become a t-shirt magnate. He knew that in order for his image to become iconic he had to die a martyr’s death. So, he put a fake beard on a mannequin and staged his own execution. He then went on to become a billionaire selling t-shirts and other accessories with his face on it. He currently lives on a yacht in Newport, RI.

Is He Coming Out With A Line Of Track Suits?

Fidel has had three fashions over the course of the last 50 years. From 1956-1991, he was all about the olive drab guerrilla look. As the world’s most famous communist guerrilla leader, he wanted to hearken back to his glory days. Luckily, he looks good in green. When the Soviet Union collapsed, he switched to a business suit to look more like a regular politician and less like a communist thug. Then, after his retirement a few years ago, he switched to track suits. Rumor has it that he has designed his own line of track suits. They will be better than Sean John and Juicy combined! The men’s line will be called Fidelito, and will come in a variety of colors and textures. The female line, Marxi Pad, will feature the word “Fidelito” on the ass. Look for it at a Wal-Mart near you in 2013.

What Really Happened During The Cuban Missile Crisis?

The closest we have ever come to nuclear armageddon was during the October 1962 Cuban missile crisis. The Soviets put a bunch of missiles in Cuba aimed at the United States and the U.S. had some pointed at Russia from Turkey. The U.S. set up a blockade to keep the Soviets from delivering any more missiles to Cuba and it looked as though it was going to lead to war. The usual story you hear is that JFK struck a deal with Khrushchev to take the missiles out of Turkey if Russia would do the same in Cuba. But maybe Fidel kept one of the missiles. Maybe he’d pull it out at parties to impress chicks? Maybe he uses the nuclear core to power his walk-in humidor? We simply don’t know.

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