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Helping Taco Bell Sell Their Breakfast Food

If you’re one of those people who can’t face the morning until you’ve ruined your business causal khakis with explosive shock and awe, now is your time for you to rejoice: Taco Bell has begun serving breakfast. Like many of our readers, we are skeptical as to whether the pseudo-Mexican food chain can successfully translate its menu to the breakfast format. Isn’t this a company who was once sued for calling it’s “beef,” well, beef? We argue they could have been more appropriately sued for calling their product “Mexican food.” In an attempt to help the company out, we’ve decided to offer a few pointers for how Taco Bell can make its menu more “authentic,” or at least, less “crappy.”

Sell your breakfast out of an ice chest or from the back of a car

A lesson I learned from my summer of working in construction is that there’s something magical about serving food out of the back of a truck or from an ice chest. All of the workers would arrive at sun up and put a few hours of work in until we heard the tell-tale sounds of the food car as it drove up to the site. The workers affectionately called his car “the roach coach” because the custom car horn played La Cucaracha. Our chef would pull out a few ice chests from the back of his trunk and feed us all for a few dollars each. Since that time, any time I’m at a bar or hanging out on a street corner, and someone walks by selling tacos out of an ice chest, I buy. The ice chest may not have started out as authentic Mexican food breakfast, but Taco Bell would be wise to incorporate it into their menu.

Take a cue from my grandmother: break health code rules!

I’m not saying this because I believe good Mexican food violates health codes. However, the best food comes from being cooked in unwashed pots and pans that are coated in several years worth of oils and flavors that are only found in any abuelitas kitchen. My grandmother’s food was so delicious and spicy that as I got older, I actually began looking forward to having a hangover because I knew her cooking would cure me of any and all my problems. It was that good. If anything, Taco Bell, hire a few abuelas to work the breakfast hours. There’s nothing better than having my pants hemmed, being asked when I’m finally going to settle down and have children, while shoveling delicious heritage into my face.

Target white people.

This won’t be difficult. We’re sure that the average gringo in this country will eat breakfast out of a “what’s this called again, a tortilla?” thinking they are dining on some foreign cuisine. However, to those of us who know better, the char that Taco Bell puts on a tortilla more closely resembles a baby’s diaper than good food. That being said, it makes sense for Taco Bell to attack markets who are both open for foreign food and heavy drinking. Try Austin, Texas, for example. If anyone has figured out a way to sell mediocre breakfast tacos to white people, it’s that city! [NY Times]

The Skidmark Burrito

Any other suggestions for Taco Bell, let us know!


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