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Papi Know Best: Latino Dad Lessons

We Latino men are historically showered with love and churros by our moms. However, it’s often our dads who most shape what kind of men we become. Freud said that or something. The Latino dad is a special creature, a mixture of extreme love and harsh discipline. We are generalizing of course, but there are some commonalities to most Latino dads. Here is some of the greatest lessons we learned from our Latino dads.

No Confies En Una Mujer Muy Bonita O Muy Flaca (Never Trust A Woman Who Is Too Pretty Or Too Skinny)

My grandfather told me this gem. A woman who is too pretty is usually either really conceited or she has all kinds of mental problems. Beautiful people are treated differently than the rest of us troglodytes, and that tends to mess with their heads. Also, a skinny woman probably can’t cook well. Now, does this mean marry an ugly fat woman? Heck no! You need to find the person you marry attractive, because ’till death do us part lasts a loooong time. By too pretty we’re talking ridiculously sculpted by God’s own power tools. Also, he’s not saying not to sleep with said hot skinny woman, just not to trust her.

Los Niños Hablan Cuando Las Gallinas Mean (Children Speak When Chickens Pee)

Ok, this is a weird saying, but it makes sense if you know something about the digestive system of chickens. Chickens don’t urinate and defecate separately, but rather their waste fluids come out with the solids. So, therefore kids should shut the hell up when adults are talking. The idea is learning when it is your place to speak and when to keep your trap shut. This is a lesson we carry into our adult life. You can’t just go around shooting your mouth off whenever you want. That will lead to broken relationships and failed jobs. Think before you speak, pendejo.

Lo Que Esta Pa’ Ti, Nadie Te Lo Quita (What’s Meant For You, No One Can Take Away)

We worry a lot. We worry about money, sex, the economy, politics, our jobs, and who will win Celebrity Apprentice. This saying says that, things have a way of working themselves out and what’s meant to happen will happen. Don’t worry so much and enjoy your life, things will come when they come. No whining on your part is going to make it come any faster. When those things do come to you, they are yours and no one can rob you of what is rightfully yours. “But, my best friend stole my wife!” She wasn’t meant for you then, was she?

Mejor Solo Que En Mala Compañia (Better To Be Alone Than In Bad Company)

How many of us stay in bad relationships for the wrong reasons? Usually, because we’re afraid of being alone. Is it really better to live the daily agony of putting up with a person that treats us like crap than to be alone? No, it isn’t. In high school, many of us wanted to be part of the cool clique on campus. Did you really though? The jocks only talk in monosyllabic grunts and the girls are usually mean girls that suffer from the aforementioned too pretty and too skinny problem. Invariably, you run into them after high school working at a fast food place or whatever. So, stick with your buddies that play D&D in the chess room. One day they’ll probably run multimillion dollar software companies while Johnny Footballhero delivers the nerd’s dry cleaning.

Todo El Mundo Se Tiene Que Limpiar El Culo (Everyone Has To Wash Their Ass)

Besides being a very important hyigiene tip, it is also a statement about humanity. Whether you are the poorest schmuck working for minimum wage or you are the Queen of England, everyone of us has to wash the poop out of our cracks. We are all just people at the end of the day. We all come into this world the same way, we all grow up, eat, drink, have sex, poop, pee, get sick, grow old, and die. You are no better or worse than anybody else, just different. It’s best to remember the things that make us the same than dwell on the stuff that make us different. Poop: unifying.

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