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Perez Hilton To Play Danny Tanner In “Full House” Musical

For those of you that have never had the pleasure of knowing me, you may not know about my love…nay…obsession with Full House. Don’t get me wrong, I know it is a terrible show. But there is something about the show that I can’t resist. It’s like mental heroin. I can watch the adventures of Danny, Jesse, and Joey and turn my brain off completely. In college, my friends and I used to sit and watch blocks of Full House while eating Cheezits. It was glorious. So, I was pretty psyched when I heard that they were making a Full House parody musical. And then…and then…the cast was announced. Embarrassment to Cuban-Americans and humans in general, Perez Hilton, will be playing Danny Tanner. While Bob Saget is not exactly a master thespian, I have to say that watching annoying screech-weasel Perez Hilton play the host of Wake-Up San Francisco is going to be like having your wisdom teeth removed with no anesthesia.

Why is it that so many Cuban-Americans are so friggin’ embarrassing? I constantly have to make excuses that we aren’t all clowns like Perez Hilton, Ted Cruz, or Marco Rubio. There are two Cubans running for president and I couldn’t be more ashamed. You’d think that it would fill me with pride. Wrong. So, I will be skipping the Full House musical because I just can’t take it seriously with that obnoxious come mierda in the lead role.

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