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The Lopez Tonight Monologue – A Coming of Age Story

by Lucas Molandes

During the monologue this past week, George Lopez took a jab at Michele Bachmann (no relation to Randy Bachman of Bachman-Turner Overdrive) and Sarah Palin (also no relation to Randy Bachman). The joke involved his desire to see the two ladies getting down to lesbian-tinged activities: mud-wrestling and what not. First of all, I’m not one to question Lopez’s taste in women. I mean, beggars can’t be choosers. Secondly, I’m fairly certain that all three have uttered “You know how Mexicans are” behind closed doors. But I do think his joke was irresponsible. George Lopez’s demographic is very high in teenagers.

I remember being 13-years-old and having deeply sexual thoughts about our nation’s top political females. Every night, Jay Leno made joke after joke about Attorney General Janet Reno. Meanwhile, Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders discussed the intricate details of masturbation (which, oddly enough, was enough for Bill Clinton to fire her. Talk about the pot calling the kettle sexy).  Next thing I know, I’m having dreams about Janet Reno, in a see-thru pantsuit, giving a Mississippi Steamboat to Joycelyn Elders, who is wearing a naughty Surgeon Generals outfit. Can you blame me? What was I supposed to do with these impure thoughts coursing through my subconscious? I acted out and got into trouble with the law. And that’s how it starts. One moment you’re pulling a girl’s pigtails to get their attention, and when that is no longer enough, you’re out boostin’ cars and trying to assassinate former movie star Ronald Reagan to get Jodie Foster’s attention.

I suppose I’ve put several years between me and those hedonistic thoughts, and I know now that my authoritarian fetish came from a lack of structure in my life; but really, this is at the core of what I’m trying to say. Lopez has a responsibility to the irresponsible teenagers who get high and forget to change the channel after Conan. These misguided youths are very impressionable and can take this imagery to heart for years to come (no pun intended). Sure, putting Palin and Bachmann mud-wrestling images into the mind of a 14-year-old sounds like a joke, but for some of us, the memories were much to aggressive, and caused way too much chafing. If you get teenagers riled up with no outlet, what’s the worst that could happen … (insert Lord of the Flies reference here)?

That being said, Larry the Cable Guy was on Lopez Tonight last week. When I saw the two greet one another for the first time, I had flashbacks to images of Donald Rumsfeld shaking hands with Saddam Hussein.

I’m not saying Lopez is unpatriotic; like any good United State citizen, he did take off the 4th of July. However, I can’t help but wonder if his taking the day off came because TBS realized he wouldn’t be able to compete with sparkly objects going “boom” in the sky. That, or maybe it was because half of his target audience that night would be too busy flash mobbing a Walgreens, throwing cherry bombs at cashiers as a way of dealing with the sexual frustration caused by unrequited mental images of Palin and Bachmann covered in mud, pinning each one down in a sloppy, supple pile of flesh, houndstooth patterns and patriotic submission.

What I’m trying to say is, Palin- Bachmann 2012 – the American Wet Dream ticket. I’d buy that for a dollar!

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