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Tips For Latinos Working In Predominantly White Offices

They say America is the land of opportunity. Unfortunately, sometimes it seems that most of those opportunities are for white folks. Many Latinos have come to this country and achieved the American dream, ie. Sofia Vergara or Speedy Gonzalez. Most of the rest of us have to fight to get our head’s above jobs that have us ask, “Do ju’ wanna fries wit ‘dat?” I think maybe one of the reasons we have trouble moving up in America is a simple cultural misunderstanding. We Latinos and our Anglo neighbors are different, but we do share somethings in common. Breathing out carbon dioxide and breathing in oxygen, for example. So, here are our top 5 tips for moving up the white man’s ladder.

Avoid The Sun

Let’s face it, your brown face is disturbing to a lot of people in your office. It spooks them, like a ghost. A brown ghost. You can’t help that your grandmother was half Indian, but you can help how dark you get by avoiding the sun. Skin pigmentation is caused by melanin in your skin. Melanin increases with sun exposure in order to protect you from cancer and whatnot. So, whiten up by fleeing the sun like a vampire. The kind of vampire that burns to death in the sun, not like those lame “Twilight” vampires that avoid the sun because they sparkle too much.

Tone Down The Jewelry

Ladies, this one is for you. We Latinos love jewelry. It’s no surprise given how much our Spanish ancestors lusted after gold. They destroyed whole civilizations for love of the bling. Today, our Latina sisters are known for their big earrings and sparkling rings their husbands bought them when they caught them cheating. This “ethnic-style” jewelry frightens and disturbs some of your female co-workers. Instead, try buying a charm bracelet with some cats or kids on them or butterfly earrings. Keeps the Rosie Perez hoops at home.

Play Whiter Games

We may love playing soccer, basketball, baseball, and pin-the-tail-on the donkey, but rich white folks don’t. They may like to WATCH those games, but they don’t play them. Instead, learn to love golf, tennis, and racquetball. This is the holy trinity of white folks games. So, even though you find it as boring as watching C-Span with the volume off, golf is where business deals go down. If you want to move up at your company, you have to walk around a field in ugly pants and laugh at your boss’ lame golf jokes.

Get A Sensible Car

You may love the classic ’57 Chevy your uncle left you or your tricked out lowrider, but your co-workers do not. If there is one thing corporate types are afraid of is anything flashy or interesting. You have two options, get a nice but boring car like a BMW or Mercedes or a sensible family car. Basically, anything you can’t paint either a Virgin of Guadalupe or racing stripes on.

Learn To Love John Mayer

I couldn’t tell you a John Mayer song if you had a gun to my head. That’s OK, though. It’s not meant for me. The DNA passed down to me from my ancient ancestors, (Homo Hispanicus), has made me genetically incapable of liking the music of John Mayer. Still, white folks looooove him. So, download his songs and try to force yourself to listen to them. Think of Benny More or Vincente Fernandez to allow you to persevere. The next time you and your co-workers are driving to lunch, you too can sing along to Mayer’s songs. Just think about your potential bonus.

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